Ah Soh and her friend board a double-decker bus.

Her friend gets a seat downstairs and Ah Soh goes upstairs.

After a while, her friend goes upstairs to look for Ah Soh and finds her clutching the seats in both hands and her body is shivering .

Her friend : "What happened? Why you so scared for what? Downstairs quite shiok one."

Ah Soh : "Alamak you! You got a driver but I don't."

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Long time ago, a rich Singapore tycoon wanted to know how happy a man could be if he was given one wish.
He paid 3 people to test out his experiment:

The rules were:
1. Each person could only have 1 wish.
2. They will be left on a deserted island for 30 years.
3. Food, but not liquor would be provided.

The first contestant, Billy Klinton (USA) asked for the 30 prettiest PLAYBOY centrefolds: " So I can make the most beautiful babies in the world."

The second contestant, Jon Mayjor (UK) said, "I want 30 years' supply of booze."

The last contestant ,Ah Beng (Singapore) said," I want 30 years' supply of Saa-lim (Salem) cigarettes so I can smoke until I song-song"

30 years later, the 3 contestants came back for a press conference.

Billy had with him 200 chidren and 30 estranged women. He remarked, " It has been a long sexual experience for me and I was wondering whether anyone care to buy a child. I will even throw in the mother for free !"

Jon, hanging on to a bottle of beer, was suffering from a hangover but he managed to utter these words. " God save the Beer ! The Queen can drink sea water. "

The last contestant, Ah Beng, hugging onto cartons of Salem shouted, "Ni na beh! Buay kee gia lighter!!!" (@#$*! Forgot to bring lighter!)

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A Sikh was on his way to Khalsa Club when he decided to take a short-cut through somebody's garden. The owner comes out angrily:
Owner: Hey, do you know you are trespassing?
Sikh: No, I'm Jaspar Singh.

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When Raffles sailed up the Singapore River for the first time, he saw a Malay woman taking a bath in the river. She had left her clothes on the river bank. As Raffles sailed by, he saw a bhai sneak up and steal her clothes. The upset woman started shouting after the thief, "Singh kapoh! Singh kapoh!"

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Once there was a kampung, and the village headman was very concerned about the poor economic performance of the Malay community. So he commissioned a professor of sociology to study all the communities of the village to discover the cause.

After much study, the professor finally reported back to the headman.

"Well, it looks like the economic problems all stem from the drumbeats of each community," said the professor.

"Eh? What you talking?" replied the headman.

"You see, the Malay word for 'profit' is 'untong'. And it so happens that the Chinese drumbeat is UNTONG ... UNTONG ... UNTONG, UNTONG, UNTONG!!"

"I see, so of course they make lots of money! And what about the Indians?"

"Well, the Indians don't make that much money, so their drumbeat is SIKIT SIKIT UNTONG, SIKIT SIKIT UNTONG."

"And the Malays?"

"Unfortunately, it's TAK UNTONG, TAK UNTONG, TAK UNTONG ..."

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Why can't Ah Soh dial 911 ?

Because she can't find the number 11 (eleven) on the phone.

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Overheard in an English class.
Teacher: "Class, do you know the meaning of parents?"
Ah Beng: "Yes, teacher, it means father and mother"
Teacher: "Good. Can you give me an example?"
Ah Beng: "Sure. Cowboy's parents means cowboy's father and mother. Also can say Cowboy's father is Cow Pay & Cowboy's mother is Cow Boo. So together we say Cow Pay Cow Boo (KPKB)"
The teacher fainted.

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A Mat, who was in Primary 3, came home from school one day and asked his father, "Bapak, today in school, me and friends had competisen, see who's cock the biggest, lah. My cock bigger than all, lah. Why ah? Because I melayu, issit?

The father sighed and looked at him and said, "No,lah. Because you're eighteen years old."

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An ang-mor, a Chinese and a Mat were driving through the desert when their jeep suddenly broke down. The only supplies they brought were a bottle of water and an umbrella. The ang-mor swiped the bottle of water and walked off. The Chinese took the umbrella and went in a different direction. The Mat, unfazed, ripped the jeep door off and did likewise.

3 days later, the men were rescued by a search party. The media was amazed on how they survived for 3 days in the desert, and asked them how they managed it.

The ang-mor replied, "Oh I carried a bottle of water and rationed myself to a minimum amount per day."

The Chinese answered, "I used the umbrella to shade myself in the daytime so that I wouldn't lose water by dehydration."

The Mat boasted, "You see ah, brudder, I carried thees jeep door, so dat when I was feeling hot, I only have to wind down the window, lah."

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Three men, Ah Beng, a Chinese, Ah Neh, an Indian, and Ah Mat, a Malay, were all sentenced to terms of life imprisonment for armed robbery.

Upon reaching the prison, the chief warden told them, "Since you are going to be here for a very long time, you can bring into the cell whatever you wish. Just tell me and I'll try to fulfil it."

So Ah Beng asked for a lifetime supply of cigarettes so he could drown his sorrows in smoke.

Ah Neh asked for a set of the Encyclopaedia Brittanica as he wanted to study his remaining life away, having never passed his PSLE.

Ah Mat, however, asked for a lifetime supply of tampons.

The warden was puzzled and asked, "What do you need tampons for?"

Ah Mat replied: "You never hear, is it? With tampons, you can go running, cycling, swimming......"

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One day, Ahmad and Ramli decided to go fishing in the sea. They needed a boat, but did not have one so they decided to rent a fishing boat.

When they went out to sea, they tried one spot first, but had no luck catching fish. So they decided to try another spot but to no avail. They sailed to a number of different spots and as luck would have it, they finally found one spot where they managed to catch fish after fish.

So Ahmad told Ramli that they should come back tomorrow to fish again, and asked him to somehow mark the spot or try to remember where they were so that they would have a lot of fish to catch. Ramli said that he would take care of it and they both returned home, satisfied with the day's catch and eager for the next day to come.

The next morning, as they were on their way to the boat rental shop, Ahmad asked Ali, "So, do you know the spot where got a lot of fish?"

Ali replied, "Jangan tension, I very clever, I do what you tell me and mark the area."

"So what did you do?" asked Ahmad.

"I very clever I tell you, I painted an X under the boat at the spot where got many fish!" replied Ali.

Ahmad looked at his friend for a very long time and finally gave him a deserving smack on the head while shouting, "You stupid kotek (cock)!!!!!! What if we get a different boat today?!!"